“Unborn” by Eva Barber

This book is an example of a good story that is being presented for assessment before it has been properly edited.

Characterization

The main strength in the writing is the emotional drive of the characters. At the beginning, the mother’s feelings upon finding the baby are strong, reasonable, and natural. This is what drew me to the story in the first place.

The intertwining of the lives and emotions of the various characters is also intriguing, although the reader’s understanding of who is attracted to whom is not clear because of the fragmentation of the plotline dealt with below.

Setting

The multiple settings, both in time and in place, are well thought out and vividly described. They contribute to the reader’s sense of inclusion in the story.

Writing Style

However, this book seems to be either a translation or written by someone whose first language is not English. This is demonstrated by poor use of pronouns, switches from past to present tense, and awkward sentence structure. “…asking her to call him back urgently,” for example, should be “…asking her urgently to call him back,” placing the urgency on her, not him.

Plotline

The plotline is disjointed and unlikely. The main character sees a newspaper article about a new Russian dictator, and immediately calls her mentor and says, “I need to learn to ski.” Then she drops everything and spends two months in the Italian Alps. Later on, we find out why she had to be there, but we never do figure out what evidence caused her to go in the first place.

A minor point, the timeline and the plot jump back and forth frequently, and the reader would appreciate a clear indication of where and when we are as each new scene starts.

Show, Don’t Tell; Especially, Don’t Do Both

The author often tells us with an explanatory comment about an action or a piece of dialogue that has already shown the reader what is going on.

“…he sat upright, gazing with puppy eyes at the nurse feeding him. He seemed to like the attention he was getting…”

The Bottom Line

There is a good story hidden in this manuscript, but it reads like an early draft. It needs a lot of polishing and rearranging before it is ready for the market.

Two stars.

This review was originally published in Reedsy Discovery.

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