As I sit by the Yule log (natural gas fuelled – save a tree) with my second or third glass of wine, I come to the conclusion that 2017 is going to be a Really Great Year. Really Great. I predict it. Josh the Duck Tolling Retriever has done the editing and he approves it all. Really Great.
Details? Here goes.
Donald Trump will discover how difficult it is to rule when you can’t say, “You’re fired!” to the whole of Congress. He will get the system all tied in knots and make such a mess that the Republicans can’t get anything done, either.
The Battle at the Border, with Trump the Chump in black trunks (irony, yes?) and Justin Beaver in white, will attract more television viewers than both the Rumble in the Jungle and the Thrilla in Manilla put togetha. Of course, most of the viewers will switch off when they discover which Justin they’re watching, but the money will still flow in. The Chump will discover the guys supposedly in his corner are in fact real businessmen, and have no intention of letting him KO their lucrative deals with Canada.
Canadian Electoral Reform:
Watching the NDP and Conservative leadership races, it will suddenly strike Canadians that yes, there really is a way to elect people other than First-Past-the-Post. It will turn out that the Liberals had no idea of sidelining the representational ballot, they just got distracted by oil pipelines and other slippery topics and forgot to table the legislation that the Committee Studying Electoral Reform laid out so clearly.
Maryam Monsef will resign her seat to take up a post as Donald Trump’s spin doctor.
The NDP, in an exceptionally insightful move, will decide not to elect a new leader until they see what kind of election process the Liberals foist on choose for democratically decide for us. The NDP ask Tom Mulcair to stay on as interim leader, an offer he graciously accepts (after having said, “I told you so,” several times)
The Conservatives take so much time deciding among 57 leadership candidates that Rhona Ambrose is forced to continue her babysitting chores until after the Liberals set up the next election method. (Giving Lisa Raitt and Kellie Leitch a chance to improve their French. Deepak Obhrai only needs three months to master the language. It seems it gets easier after you know four or five.)
The Salish Sea:
A plan to use Resident Orcas as guides for the oil tankers will be sewered by the Transient Orca Pod, who will say they weren’t properly consulted, and the Resident Pods are getting more of the salmon. All opposition will melt away with the advent of an exceptionally large Coho run this summer.
(Now I’m into the third glass for sure.) The NDP will win the provincial election and stop all pipelines and the Site C Dam construction. Alberta will attempt an invasion, but have to pull back when all their 4 X 4s run out of fuel bumping through the poorly-maintained roads across the Rocky Mountain Trench. ‘Christie’s Biscuit’ Clark will raffle off all her hardhats and save the provincial economy.
The Green Party:
Elizabeth May will chain herself to the front of an oil tanker and be attacked by a pod of Orcas. May will talk them all into submission and ride off on the back of the Lead Cow into a green sunset. (No, I didn’t mean anything by that. It’s the proper term, and if I put her riding the Lead Bull I’d get into even more trouble.)
The Sedin Twins retire mid-season and return to the Swedish Hockey League, where they lead the Skellefteå AIK to a league championship and a Champions Hockey League championship, as well as the Swedish team to the World Hockey Championship.
The other players on the Canucks suddenly realize that they have to play hockey, too, and rebound their season, only to lose in the semifinals to the Anaheim Ducks. (Sorry, fans. I didn’t drink that much.)
The BC Lions will win the Grey Cup. (I don’t really believe that, but my friend John will be upset if I don’t say it.)
Patrick Chan will finally land his triple axel and win the Men’s world championships.
Virtue and Moyer will win the world championships in Ice Dance (Yawn. So predictable).
There will be a huge number of ducks to retrieve at Boundary Bay. (Sorry. editorial pressure made me put that in.)
The Rolling Stones will perform their largest concert ever, at the end of which they will be raised to Rock ‘n’ Roll Heaven on chariots of fire, cheered on by all the other rock musicians who will now finally get their own chance to perform.
Vancouver Mayor Gregor Robertson will decree that only self-drive electric cars and bicycles may be driven inside city limits. Pedestrian injuries will skyrocket, and electrical brownouts will occur every evening at 6 pm when everyone gets home and plugs in their cars.
Donald Trump and Benjamin Netenyahoo (Oh, did I spell that wrong?) will announce the solution to the Palestinian problem: a Trump Tower in the Gaza Strip. (Which will hereinafter be known as “The Strip.”) Jobs, peace, and freedom of enterprise for all. Build it and they will come.
Toller Monthly awards Donald Trump the award for “Human Politician with Prettiest Hair Colour.”
The Middle East:
ISIL will be defeated and will fragment underground like a noxious weed, to pop up wherever there is a fertile patch of unrest for the next twenty years or so. However, as the frequency of deaths by violence continues to decrease in the world, and the standards of living and education continue to rise, I can still hope that I will live to see a time when there is truly peace on earth.
Have a happy 2017, folks. I will be here to provide alternative interpretations of the facts as the other media present them.
Oh, yes. “Woof,” from Josh, too.